Today Is one of the hardest day’s every year for me. Today marks 11 year’s since my father has passed away. I’m still so unsure of how to heal from his death, and every year I wonder when the pain will be gone. I have come to realize that the pain will never fade because his memory is everlasting. I deiced to write a letter to my 15 year old self.
You have no idea the pain that awaits you in your life time. So much pain, that will mold you into the wonderful mother that you will be. You are to young to lose your father, but if it is now or years later its never easy to lose him.
The day that he died March 30th 2002 was a perfect spring day. You just arrived home for orientation at the city’s amusement park. I remember you stoping and searching the sky. You thought what a wonderful day. When you opened your front door, there was a moment where something felt different then the moment before. I remember you looking at the phone to call your mother to let her know you where safe at home, but you noticed 10 missed calls.
As you picked the phone up to dial grandma Kunkle your heart sunk. Not knowing why. Grandma won’t say a thing to you, won’t tell you what’s going on. She will demand to speak to mother.
Not seconds later that you hung the phone up with mom, does she call you back….the words,”I’m on my way home!” With no other explanation. You of course refuses to hang up with her, and all she says is the same thing over and over. Minutes go by and out of the blue you say,”Mom, it’s my dad isn’t it? My father is dead?!”
What seemed a second later, was mother running into the door and Susie you will drop to your knees screaming. This moment was almost a black out! Everything was so blurry from this day but yet so fresh and real.
This was the hardest thing you will suffer from. Once you survive this, you will survive it all.
I wish that I could change so much of my life, including all the bad thing’s in life. Susie you can’t let your self down! You are the strongest person in this world.
The missing him part is the most dreadful thing. I want so badly for him to be here that it hurts. Having him miss everything in my life. I never knew my father other then in a child’s eyes. I only remember small thing’s about him like the way he liked his coffee, his favorite flavor of cake. The after dinner talks on the front steps of our house, and the way he annoyed me as any father would a 15 year old. I regret the way I treated him, it is unfair that he never got a chance to be apart of my life. More importantly apart of my children lives. I still believe that if he was alive some of the thing’s my mother put me thew would of been so different. I just thank the Lord for what I have and what he has given me. There is more to life then just the bad. There is so much good and kindness and I learned this from my father. He was a great christian man, who I will never forget!